


Left Behind??

by melanie1982



Category: Satire - Fandom, parody - Fandom
Genre: Other, Parody, idonthateChristians, notallChristiansarehateful, notallChristiansarehypocrites, pokingfun, thisisntserious, wrotethisyearsagoelsewhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanie1982/pseuds/melanie1982
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was once an avid follower of Ray Comfort, Todd Friel, Kirk Cameron et al and their Way of The Master/ Living Waters Ministries. I have since moved towards the left of the spiritual spectrum, lol, and this is a mashed-up poke at the 'Left Behind' series Kirk was in, as well as the man himself. I wrote this in 2012, and decided to post it here, because diversity. </p><p>I do believe Kirk and the others are sincere in their desire to save us all from hell; however, Kirk's put his foot in his mouth (okay, both feet - and various other body parts) way too many times. (Tact, Mr. Cameron. Google it.) As for Ann Coulter's cameo, complete with censored homophobic slur.. She seems like a hateful woman, period. Using 'religion' to justify vitriol is not okay. I don't condone slurs of any kind; her bleeped-out slur is in keeping with her character, NOT me giving approval to that sort of language or behavior.</p><p>There's no sex in this story. There's no happy ending, either.</p><p>I don't know any of the characters in this story (especially not God). This story is fiction, and I make no money from it.</p><p>This is a one-shot - a fact which will probably make even the staunchest atheist shout 'Hallelujah!'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Left Behind??

 Day had dawned. As Kirk and his wife Chelsea were dressing for work, Kirk hazarded a glance at the clock, noting that it was 8.15. "Rosa's running late," he sighed. Chelsea handed Kirk his sack lunch, and, with a chaste kiss on the cheek, he headed out the door.

 Kirk noticed how light the traffic was that morning. He was enjoying this unusually clear day, tapping the steering wheel in time to his favorite praise and worship CD. As he entered the city, however, he began to feel uneasy. Where WAS everyone? Stores were still closed; restaurant and office parking lots were near empty. He pulled up behind a black SUV stopped at a red light. Kirk hummed along to the stereo, watching as the light shifted from red to yellow to green. The SUV didn't budge. The driver of the car directly behind Kirk's blew her horn; Kirk shrugged, innocent and confused. He tapped the horn with polite restraint, but there was no sign of the other driver moving.

 Trying to remain calm, Kirk exited his vehicle and approached the SUV, fearing what he would find. Was someone hurt - or, worse, dead? To his amazement, the car was empty - no passengers, and NO DRIVER! The woman behind Kirk got out; he recognized her immediately. "Ann? Ann Coulter?"

 The woman sized him up, hands on her hips. "Duh! Who are _you_ \- and, more importantly, why are you holding up traffic?" Kirk pointed feebly at the SUV, and Ann shot him a dirty look. "So drive around it. _Geez_."

 Ann was running late for a speaking engagement. The topic was "Bible Bashing: Putting the FUN back in FUNdamentalism." People from all over the nation were expected to attend, with many prominent ministers among them. She dialled her stylist's number for the umpteenth time, and it went to voicemail - again. Beyond peeved, Ann took off in a huff, while a bemused Kirk got back into his car and went on to work.

 Ministry headquarters seemed normal, though a handful of people were absent. Coworkers mused aloud - Had INS made a large-scale sweep through their area? Was there an unreported pandemic keeping people home? Was it some new godless holiday? Just then, Kirk's phone rang. "Honey?" Chelsea's voice was tense. "Rosa didn't show up for work. I went to her house; her car was there, but it was empty, still running." A chill ran down Kirk's spine.

 Meanwhile, Ann arrived at a packed auditorium. The Christian Convention Center was abuzz with holy fervor, and Ann was thrilled - but where the hell was Marie to do her hair and makeup? After several more failed attempts at reaching her, Ann gave up. She asked around for a substitute stylist - "Even a f*ggot! I'm desperate!" - but only three stylists had showed up, and they were all busy. Releasing a torrent of curses and verbal abuse, Ann stormed off to do it herself.

 All across America, news reports and panic were gathering momentum. Millions of people were missing - men, women and children of all ages and ethnic groups. Every town had someone missing, with no signs of violence, no ransom notes or crop circles.. More were reported missing every minute, disappearing into thin air. The Phelps family of Westboro Baptist found there were no mourners at the funerals they'd planned to picket that day; even the corpses were gone. Many of the nation's favorite journalists were missing; those who remained scrambled to find a pattern, a lead, anything.

 By midday, a White House intern took to the airwaves to announce that the President, Vice President, and the majority of federal government officials, were missing. Emergency personnel and over half of every branch of the military were AWOL. People began to stockpile supplies, looting the still-shuttered stores in a panic. Gradually, a consensus was reached; the people needed a new leader. Kirk was chosen as the voice of reason amid the chaos, and he rose to address the nation via satellite.

 Before a word had left his mouth, a rumble of thunder as loud as any the world had ever heard filled the sky, knocking the people to the ground. A voice boomed from the heavens, clear and understood by all:

 "You have failed me."

Kirk raised his head from his prone position, asking tentatively, "Lord? _How_ have we failed You?"

The voice replied. "SILENCE! You all were called upon to love one another, yet you have fought wars and divided households, families and marriages by arguing politics and theology. You were called upon to love and forgive, yet you hated and judged in My name. You, who claim to love truth, have rejected the wisdom of the ancients, as well as the new wisdom I have brought forth through science and human experience. You have crushed the innocent, natural faith of your children, and you have shunned and ridiculed those who dare to question dogma and fallible, man-made traditions. You have clamored for rights and special treatment, yet denied these things to anyone who disagreed with your worldview. You have oppressed the people with the law, and not made free with the spirit. You cast out many angels among you, for you have loved your ideas and beliefs more than you have loved Me."

 All but the proudest hearts were heavy now, their consciences pricked. The people saw their hands stained with the blood of innocents, cut by the stones they had been so quick to throw.

 God continued: "I have ransomed the prisoners; I have lifted up the oppressed. Those who were too young or feeble-minded to grasp wisdom, I have saved; those who loved Me in truth, though they loved imperfectly, I have saved. I have others among you whom I shall save, any who have suffered beneath your proud, stubborn ways. You who shall be left behind are those who had ears but chose not to hear, who had eyes but chose not to see. You shall wander in the desert wilderness of earth without your spouses, your children, your co-workers and friends, for forty years. Because I am a God of mercy, I render you barren; you will not bring any more souls into the corrupt world. You have forty years in which to learn to worship Me in spirit and in truth. At the end of that time, those who repent of their hate and ignorance shall be saved."

 The crowd was smaller now; there were almost no children left. All mentally handicapped people were gone, given a free pass for their inability to understand. Representatives of every religion and philosophy remained, given forty years in which to debate how many angels could dance on the head of a pin, or forty years in which to realize that it was of no consequence. Would forty years be enough time to break the spell of ignorance and hatred? Time would tell.


End file.
